I realized I had't posted for a little while, but honestly- I haven't had much to write about. When doing fertility treatments, it kind of takes up your whole life. I always had dr's appointments and things to keep me busy and gave me something to write about. Now we're back to real life- our life without a baby and without treatments.
Here's my dilemma. Yes, I'm sad about not getting pregnant and another failed treatment to add to the tally, yet again, but I'm also at peace with our decision to take a break from all things infertility for a while and move on to something new. (Yeah right, like that's something you can avoid! What I should have said is take a break from treatments for a while.) I feel excited about what lies ahead for us this year. And I'm ready for it- I'm so ready for a change... and yet I feel stuck. Stuck in the same place I was before. Still no pregnancy. Still no baby. Still no job (besides subbing). Still living in a house with a million people. Still hanging out with grandma. Still on the wait list for nursing. Just still here, where I was last year before we started any of our IVF's. I hate having to wait for those new things like nursing school, moving, working- but what's worse is not having control over how long that wait is, having no control over when things happen. I wish I could start nursing school this semester and get the freaking show on the road! Also, not that I don't completely love and appreciate my family, I can't wait to just live with Eric again. To have our own space and be alone, just us, again.
I guess my problem is, I'm so ready for change, but the change is not happening yet. My whole life seems to revolve about waiting. Have I not learned my lesson about patience?? I'm trying listen to the apostles and to find the joy in the journey, and to live in the present, enjoying now, not always looking to what's next, but I feel like this "present" has overstayed it's welcome and been here a little too long!
One thing I do have that I can work on is me. So I've joined a biggest loser competition for the next 8 weeks and I'm going to try to get my high school body back, only better. This should be exciting and will keep me occupied until I find out if I'll be placed for nursing school for this fall. For the sake of my sanity, lets all pray that I do! Also I'm working on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and finding a greater love for the scriptures by studying them every day.
Perhaps I'll start blogging about my weight loss journey taking place over the next 2 months... I think it'll help having other people know what's happening so that I'm held more accountable. I lost 30lbs prior to our last IVF cycle and having better eggs and thinking about my future littles is what motivated me then. I gained back nearly 10 of those lbs during IVF (treatment makes you gain weight) so now I'm ready to lose it again, plus some. Truly, I want to lose 20lbs more, but I'm having a hard time feeling super motivated. I'm hoping the BL competition and wanting a hott bod for our cruise in April will keep me motivated! We'll see!