Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Now?

Now that the house has emptied of family and things are quieting down, there are not so many things to distract me from the truth of this failed cycle. I'm still doing alright, no major breakdowns but it still is sad. I want to be a mom so badly but it is obvious I have to wait on the Lord's timing. I know I did all I could have for it to work and it still didn't so I don't have any questions or regrets. So what now?

A new year is just around the corner. 2013 won't be baby year for us like we thought it would be, but we have so many other good things happening in our lives and so much to be thankful for! Although not in the way we thought or necessarily hoped and prayed for, we have been so blessed.
Here are some things I'm looking forward to (or hoping for) in 2013:

--Going on a 7-day cruise with friends to Contzumel Mexico, Jamaica, and the Cayman Islands in the end of April
--Our "State Trip" to Virginia
--Joining the gym with my mom
--Losing 15lb more before the cruise
--Running a 10k
--Starting nursing school (this will happen only if I get a spot for the Fall- hopefully I do! This one isn't in my control, I've already been on the wait list for 5 semesters- which is 2.5years!)
--Auditioning for Hairspray the Musical
--Auditioning for the Easter Pageant
--Taking a dance class
--Volunteer at a hospital

I'm ready to move on and focus on something else for a while. I've been pumped with drugs and hormones and meds for over a year now and I'm ready to have myself back. I feel as if my life has been on some sort if hold, waiting for baby and trying so hard to get pregnant. I'm ready to achieve something and actually DO something with my life and when the time comes for us to have the opportunity to try again down the road or end up pregnant on our own miraculously, I'll welcome it with open arms.. But for now, I'm closing this chapter and moving on to the next.

Bring on 2013.

Thomas Christmas Extravaganza!

Well Christmas this year was with my family and my mom planned almost a whole week full of festivities. So Friday night is when my sisters and their families came, and we didn't have anything planned for that night because we had a wedding to take down. (our family has a wedding business if you didn't already know:

Saturday morning was the BETA so Eric and I drove to Scottsdale for the blood draw and then met the family at the Mesa Temple to do some family names together. We ate breakfast together at the cafeteria there and then went and did sealings. Now waiting for BETA results is not fun and can mess with your head, so waiting at the temple was the perfect way to spend the few hours waiting. When we were done, I had a voicemail waiting for me and I had a tiny sliver of hope which quickly diminished when the voicemail confirmed what I already knew- it didn't work and we weren't pregnant.. Again. I didn't really want to tell my family so I just let them listen to the voicemail. They were sad and saying how sorry they were but I was just ready for it all to be over with and for everyone to not talk about it. I sen out a text to all the family and then posted on the blog.

We all met for lunch and then the plan for the day was shopping. So we all went our separate ways to finish our last minute shopping. I got a call from Dr. A that afternoon, the awesome person he is, to say how sorry he was as well. He went on to explain some next steps and where we should go from here but it was hard to focus on what he was saying. We will go in sometime soon for our "WTF" appointment to talk more about all of it.. But I think we're done, for now.

That night the family went to the temple lights and Eric and I had to get some groceries for breakfast the next day and ended up just going home to hang out together.

Sunday: we woke up and I made breakfast for everyone (by the way 'everyone' includes my mom and dad, my oldest sister, her husband and their two boys, my second oldest sister, her hubs and their little boy and girl, my younger sister and her new hubs, my 7 year old sis, and Eric and I). After that we all went to church. Eric and I were asked to substitute in primary for the 3 year old class so we hung out with 10 littles for a couple hours.. It was both fun and a little painful. After church we took naps, hung out, wrapped gifts, and watched movies for a while until we started the nativity. Eric and I were asked to be Joseph and pregnant Mary- very funny, right? It turned out cute and I tried to just keep on my happy face. It was fun having a cute little fake pregnant belly, but it was just that-
After the nativity we went caroling. There was some game on so most of the guys stayed home and my mom, the sisters, and the grand kids went. It was so much fun. Our neighborhood is brand new so it was fun to meet some of our neighbors. My mom and sisters and I harmonized and it was awesome to sing with them again, it's been a while! I absolutely love singing with our family:) Once we got back from caroling, we put the kids to bed and had a murder mystery dinner. We all dressed up in 30's costumes and it was such a blast! If you haven't done one before, you totally should!

Monday, Christmas Eve, we all had a few other things to get. So we split up again, and went out. All of us sisters and our husbands met at olive garden for lunch then went home to do some major wrapping. Our family talent show (or variety show, rather) was at 7 and it was hilarious! We had 18 talents presented and some where serious, and most weren't but we had a ton of fun! Our traditional "Bug" game was next. Its our version of white elephant and it makes it last longer. It's basically like the game Cooties but once you draw a bug you pin a present or steal someone else's. If you want the full game rules let me know- it's super awesome! The kids went to bed and we got all of the presents and stockings set up and went to bed ourselves.

Tuesday, Christmas Day, we opened presents and played Just Dance and ate and watched Pitch Perfect (LOVE!) I got my very first bike! Haha that was cool. It's a beach cruiser and totally adorable! Eric used my dads bike and we went for a long ride with Presley. Eric got a book series he's been wanting and he also got a white house Lego set- which he was super excited about! Haha my niece (the one I've posted about before- shes my favorite!) got a legit cinderella dress and she was soo adorable! It was a fun day and it was so nice to be surrounded by family. My sister, that lives in Cali, and her family had to leave that afternoon, which was sad, but it was so nice to have them here all weekend. Also today (Warning! This is a TMI section) I started my post IVF period in the late afternoon. Compete suckfest! It is soo awful and painful and is like mother nature YELLING at me that I'm not pregnant. I normally have very regular, light, 4 day, no cramping, periods but after a treatment, it's just horrible. It makes me want to cry for so many reasons! Okay TMI section over.

Today, besides my sisters fam in Cali and the 2 husband's that have to work (that includes Eric), we are all planning on going to the zoo. I don't think I'll be going actually, but that's what's on today's agenda.

It's been a very fun-filled, delicious, exciting, and hilarious holiday weekend/week. I love having all of my family in one house together and it's neat to see the family grow from just us girls to husbands and kids.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Negative Ghost Rider

Beta today = Negatory

Got the call today and once again we got a negative. We're sad, but doing fine. I already knew since I cheated and just felt not pregnant so I have had a few days to come to grips with it.

I'll do a longer post later, I just wanted to update everyone.

Again, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. It has meant so much to us to have the support we do.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I POAS'd at 9.5dp3dt, 10dp3dt, and 11dp3dt with FMU and got BFN on all of them.

Not good.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dear Embryos,

Oh my sweet little embabies, the nurse called today and said none of the other embryos survived to be frozen. This wasn't surprising, since we've never had any to freeze, but it made me a little worried about you three. I need you to keep growing!
Today you should be blastocysts and start coming out of your shell. Don't be shy now! Dr. A did assisted hatching just for you, to help it be a little easier to get out. I know you can do it.
I need you to stay with me and snuggle in for the long haul. Your daddy and I have been waiting a very long time for you to get here and many people love you and are praying for you! You are so wanted and so loved already. Please, please, please stay with me.

Your mommy.

My Husband is Awesome :)

Anyone who knows Eric in real life knows how super awesome and amazing he is.. But I bet you didn't know he was THIS awesome- last night after my nightly PIO shot in the butt, I said something like "How would you like this needle in your butt? Then you could get a little glimpse at what I go through with these shots." (yeah I was being a little bit of a brat, but it really does suck getting stuck in the butt! My butt is soooo freakin sore already, and it's only been 5 days!)
Anywho! Eric said "Okay, do it." in stick a needle in his butt! Say what?! Does anyone else have a husband that would let you stick this sucker (refer to picture) in his gluteus maximus? I seriously doubt it. I asked if he was serious and he said yes.. So I got a new needle out, got an alcohol swab out and wiped down the designated area. Again I asked if he was really going to let me and he just laid (lay, lie?) there waiting. Honestly I thought maybe he'd punch me or something out of reflex.. So I stretched the skin out and... BAM! Stabbed him right in the butt like a ninja!

...okay that last sentence was a lie.

It was more like, BAM- Brenley's a little ninny! I just couldn't do it! I know how it feels and I just didn't want to inflict any pain on him I guess haha you'd think after all the shots he's stabbed me with, I could do it. But, alas, I could not.

But common, seriously people, the fact that he was going to let me do it- how awesome is he? He didn't have to say it out loud, but just doing that shows me how supportive he is and he wants me to know he's there and that he cares and appreciates what I'm going through.

Ahh I just love that guy. :)

Things I've Done Differently

I decided to compile the things we've done differently this cycle into one post here, so if it works (when it works (; positive thinking right?) and people asked what I did differently than the last 2 cycles, I'll have my list!

1. Lost 30lb
2. Took Metformin for 5 months prior
3. Antagonist Protocol
4. Darcy was there (a new nurse haha)
5. Acupuncture (2 days before ER and directly before and after ET)
6. Actual Bedrest for day of, and 2.5 days following ET.
7. Assisted Hatching
8. Wore socks all the time except for when I went to sleep for the night.
9. Told everyone (in real life and online) about this cycle, blogged about it, and asked everyone for prayers and positive thoughts.
10. Cried
11. Ate a chunk of pineapple core for 4 days starting day after ET.

That's all I can think of right now, but if I remember or realize something else, I'll add it to the list. :)

Monday, December 10, 2012

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians!

My embryos got their report card and we had 1 A, 1 B, and 10 C's. Not great, but not too bad!

Dr. A decided to put back A, B, and 1 C... so I have 3 little embabies tucked away in my ute! He also decided to do something called assisted hatching since we've had 2 failed cycles, so we'll see if that makes a difference this time! I also did the acupuncture today before and after the transfer and am interested to see if that helped as well.

Now the waiting begins! Our first ultrasound should be the first week of Jan, I believe, so unfortunately nothing too exciting will be happening on our blog before that.

I am going on a self prescribed bed rest for three days so I'll just be hanging out in my room if anyone needs me! Last 2 times I only rested the day of the transfer and was back to my busy schedule the next day so this time I'm going to take it easy and make sure AB&C stay put!

Keep the prayers coming! These babies need to grow strong!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Dozen

21 eggs
19 mature
12 fertilized

We have a dozen embryos growing in their studio apartments (aka pea-tree dishes.)

I wrote a post earlier about the retrieval and it disappeared like that other one.. So annoying! Everything went well and very smooth. I'm pretty sore today but nothing too bad.

Our tentative transfer date is Monday at 10:30am. Pray for my little ones to continue to grow strong and receive great grades!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Pull the Trigger!

I'm a little behind so let me catch you up:

Tuesday: US/BD appt- things progressing, not quite ready for trigger, E2 levels were about 2,900 I believe, right around what it was supposed to be.

Yesterday's US/BD appt the eggies were looking good and finally the right size for trigger as long as my E2 levels were good. They came back normal.. I think it was like 3,500? I can't remember. So trigger time last night was 11:00pm! Woohoo!
I actually fell asleep but had set an alarm to wake up for it. Eric was great- I didn't feel a thing! I was slightly worried, since it is an intramuscular shot in the butt and usually I feel it, but I think everything is fine. It's sore this morning! Haha

So today I don't have an appt- yay!- since I did my pre-op appt yesterday instead. Dr. A is having his baby boys today! Well they're actually here I'm sure because the c-section was scheduled for 7am. So exciting!

I go in tomorrow at 10:15am with egg retrieval scheduled for 11:00am- we're almost there! I can't wait to see if the Metformin and weight loss helped my egg quality. I'll update tomorrow after I get home as far as how many eggs they got and everything! So stay tuned! :)

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday and he was very nice. As soon as Chelsea and I (she's my sister, but my husband for this week since Eric can't make it due to work) walked in to the office, we were greeted by this dog. She was so friendly and calm and soft, the receptionist said her name was Willow. Haha it was bizarre that she was just walking around the clinic, but it was cool. She was super well behaved and it almost seemed like she was trained to be soothing. I went into the room and sat/laid on a table with an S shape. I totally want one for my house- It was super comfy! The dr came in and we talked for a little bit about the IVF, my health, and a few different things, then he did his thing with the needles. He put them on my head, belly, legs, arms, and feet, and I really didn't feel anything. Then he put headphones on me and told me to meditate with this lady's voice. I was kind like "uh.. okay?" not sure what to expect but I actually really liked it. The lady was a dr specializing in fertility and it was a meditation session specifically for pre-egg retrieval. It just had me focus on my breathing and to really get in-tune with my body. I had to visualize my actual ovaries and the eggs growing with the medicine and my uterus thickening. I'm a believer in positive thinking and I think the mind has a lot of power, so it was nice to be able to focus on everything working in a reaxed environment like that for a half hour or so.

That was basically my experience with acupuncture for the first time.. Not too creepy haha! He's also going to come in the day of the transfer (probably Monday) and do a session right before and directly following the transfer, so that'll be great and I've heard it ups your chances of success so we'll see!

Sorry the picture is so awful. I didn't have time to get all the way ready for the day before my dr's appt at 7:45 haha and I'm suppper bloated from having so many eggs- my ovaries are now the size of softballs- but I wanted to show you the cool chair. :)

Monday, December 3, 2012

Chugging Along..

I wrote an entire blog post yesterday about my appointment and the medical center's name and even attached a picture and it just disappeared! So I didn't rewrite it because I was over it.. And now I can't remember everything I wrote- my bad!

One thing I did write about was the name of the medical center where my clinic's main office is located. It's called the Princess Medical Center. So fun right?! It always puts a smile on my face when I pull up. I usually only go there if its the weekend or for the actual treatments. I generally go to a closer office to me for monitoring appointments.

My eggs are slowly but surely chugging along. Today they were 13's and 14's mostly. Dr. A is thinking trigger will be Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because that puts transfer probably Monday, meaning Eric can't be there. :(

I decided I'm going to see an acupuncturist that works with our clinic and specializes in fertility. I'm super nervous about it! I'll go in on Wed morning to see him and get one treatment and then he'll come to the clinic the day of the embryo transfer and do it before the transfer and then again right after. We haven't tried it yet and I'm trying to make sure we do all we can this cycle, that way if it doesn't work- we know we really did all we could. I'm excited and nervous! But I've heard good things so I'm up for it.

I counted today I've had 41 shots since last Saturday- holy cow! My shots tonight will put me at 43. No wonder my belly is sooo sore and bruised! All I can say is my kids better freakin love me! ;)

Friday, November 30, 2012

The Girl With Hidden Ovaries and Ohhh My Grandma.

Good news! I don't have to go in tomorrow! :) I start the Ganirelix shot tomorrow morning and my E2 levels were 940 (they said that's good) so they upped my dosage of Follisim from 75 to 125. I'll go back on Sunday morning for another BD/US (for those of you noninfertiles, are you catching all the lingo yet? (; ) appt which has to be in the Scottsdale office since it's the weekend.

Not much to report with these visits, is there? Haha trying to keep everyone updated, I realize there's not much to say besides a couple of stats! So I guess I'll fill you in with a story I forgot to mention from my appointment on Monday.

Dr. A has a student dr who has been coming in and shadowing him for a little while. She was at my appt on Monday and I asked if she was going to do my ultrasound. Finding out she was, I gave her an empathetic smile and pre-apologized, she looked at Dr A and he told her I had some of the most difficult ovaries of all the patients. When I'm not on stims, they're near impossible to find. It's a little interesting laying spread eagle on the bed with stirrups with strangers having front row seats, but I've come to realize that comes with the territory, and I'm a pretty open person (no pun intended) that knows for drs, a body is a body. Anywhoo, with wand in hand, she searched and searched.. And searched but alas, she did not find my ovaries. Imagine having an ultrasoud wand take up a search warrent in your va-jay-jay... Yeah, not the most comfortable or enjoyable thing! Dr. A makes jokes about me taking them (my ovaries) out before my ultrasound to trick them. What can I say? I have incredible disappearing ovaries!
Dr. A took over (so by then I've been laying there being explored for a good ten minutes) and being the rock star he is, he found those suckers and counted up all my jewels. I apologized again to the lady dr student and said better luck next time.
She was there for my ultrasound yeaterday again and guess what! She found them! Granted, my ovaries are probably the size of lemons now so they take up more room, but I was happy they gave her a second chance!

Thats pretty much my story about my hidden ovaries. Like I said, nothing too exciting.

On a funnier note, my grandma has been coming to the appointments with me and today as we were waiting in silence for Dr. A to come in, my grandma busted up laughing out of nowhere and when I asked her what was so funny, she pointed and said "that dildo wand thing just standing like that right there!" Yes- my grandma called the ultrasound wand a dildo.. Hahaha oh grandma..

(photo credit goes to someone else I know going through fertility treatments- I haven't thought to snap a pic at my dr's office haha but they look pretty much the same.. Only we have pink jelly (; )

I Am Thankful: Days 29 & 30

Well this month is winding down! It has been great reflecting on my many blessings!

Day 29: I Am Thankful For... My Trials. I know it seems an odd thing to be thankful for, but I know that they shape us into the person we are supposed to be. I'm also thankful for MY trials specifically because I would rather have mine than take on someone else's. Batting infertility sucks, but losing a spouse or child or other family member, or dealing with an addiction, or other trials many face would be so hard to do. At times our trials may seem unbearable but we were placed at the bottom of these mountains with tools from a loving Heavenly Father to help us be able to climb up and conquer that mountain. Knowing He would not give us something we cannot handle, gives me peace and hope because it shows He has faith in me and knows my strength. That means I must actually be strong enough to overcome the trials I'm given, even if I don't always believe it myself.

And today, Day 30: I Am Thankful For... All of You! Our family, friends, and bloggers- for your support and prayers in this process. I can't say how much it means to me to have so many people sending up prayers on our behalf. I know prayers are answered and I'm hoping with so many coming, He will feel it's time to say "Yes!" instead of "not yet." Thank you for you're continued love and support in our life! We are truly grateful and so very blessed to have you!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Slow and Steady

Not much to report from todays appointment. My eggs are growing slowly, like the first time. My E2 level came back around 300, which is normal, so that's good. My dr said I'll probably have to up my meds (greeeeat!) for a couple days but things look slow as steady. Back again tomorrow and I'm hoping this weekend goes by quickly so Eric will be back and we can get this show on the road!

I'm so ready for my baby(ies)!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Save The Drama For Your Mama

So I went for my US/BD (ultrasound/blood draw) appt today and just as I suspected, I have to go in tomorrow and every day after that until we trigger. I guess I'm just one of those that's needs extra close monitoring! Today it looked as if I have around 10 or so eggs in the right ovary and 7 or so in the left. All of them are around 10mm which is slightly behind where he wants me I think, but only by a day.

Now the counting is a little tough to do accurately so they just use educational guesstimating (thats a word, right?) as far as they can see. The first time they thought I had about 10 in each and I ended up with 31 eggs retrieved so that number may just change. Hopefully we have 20ish or more, but we'll see!

On a mental health front, I feel crazy. I feel like crying all the time and just overly emotional about everything. I don't like feeling like this and I hope I snap out of it soon. Eric is going out of town for the weekend so I'll have to try and survive with him gone. I have a feeling I'll be a wreck the entire weekend..

I guess today is just one of those bad days. Tomorrow will be better- I just gotta shake off this dark cloud hovering around me and get back to myself! I really want to try to be stress free for this round to give us the best possible chance. I feel like I can't pray hard enough for this to work.

I'll fill you in on the eggies tomorrow.

I Am Thankful: Day 28

Day 28: I Am Thankful For... The fact that there's always tomorrow.

Today's just not my day.

(Blame the drama on my meds)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

All Aboard The Crazy Train..

So I'm on day 4 of my shots and I have been feeling a little hormonal, tired, headachy, and irritable. Slightly more than I remember last time. I'm on a higher dose of meds, so that could be it. I also feel a little crazy. And I know I am starting to act a little crazy and irrational.. I can see it, I just can't help it sometimes! Here's a couple of examples of my medicine-induced-twin coming out:

The night before last, Presley (our 1 year old bulldog) was chewing on the blanket in her cage (which is almost a nightly routine for her) and it was annoying me so bad, so I yelled at her and made her get out of the cage and I took her blanket out and put her back in on the piece of plastic that covers the bottom. I have no idea what I was thinking because her moving around on the plastic is way noisier than her chewing on her blanket. I didn't want to switch it back and I was soo tired (even though it was only like 8:30) so I fell asleep. At 3 am, I woke up to the soud of her moving around again and I was so mad! I got up and took her outside and gave her food and came back upstairs. She started barking as soon as I was upstairs so I put her blanket back in her cage and went and got her from outside. She went right into her cage and back to sleep.. Unfortunately I couldn't fall back asleep so I just lay there, thinking of how ridiculous I was acting that night. I freaked out over nothing and just went a little ballistic at something so stupid. I apologized to Eric in the morning for being a maniac. Of course, he's used to it so he just said it was fine and he loved me. I love that man.

Then last night we were having Family Home Evening about having a positive attitude and not being negative so we can have a good feeling in our home. My dad selected me to participate in the object lesson. Basically, the object lesson is to say negative things to a person and then hold down their arms and try to have them lift them up and then tell them positive things and repeat. When a person is told negative things, their arms are weak, and when they are told positive things, they are much stronger. So my dad proceeded to tell me negative things like I'm messy and don't clean up the house and how
I made bad choices and I suck at this activity.. As he was saying all of these things to me, even though they weren't really mean or true, I just started crying. CRYING! I never cry! Like ever. I've cried only a handful of times in our entire marriage and there I was, just tearing up like a little nincompoop. Then when he started saying positive things like how I'm a beautiful daughter of God and my smile lights up a room and my bubbly personality is contagious, I just cried again! It was super lame and I felt like an idiot and punched my dad for picking me when I'm so hormonal.

I hope I don't get any worse haha. I'm already on the crazy train and we are just getting started! I am pre-apologizing to anyone I come in contact with over the next few weeks, for I am not quite myself:)

My tummy is looking more like a pin cushion and starting to bruise some, and I can literally feel my ovaries growing. It's kinda cool and not, at the same time. In about a week or so, my ovaries will be nearly the size of softballs- youch!

Also- I'm not an expert and linking with blogger on my phone (we still don't have Internet) but I wanted to give a shout out to two of my infertility blog friends! Kat at Trying To Make 3 and Amanda at Growing Griswolds both got great news for their Thanksgivings- they're both pregnant!! :) Couldn't be happier for them! Hopefully the positives come our way! ;)

I Am Thankful: Days 25, 26, & 27

Day 25: I Am Thankful For... The fact that we live so close to a lot of members in our family. For the most part, we can see family by driving no more than a few hours. It's so nice to have loved ones close! :)

Day 26: I Am Thankful For... The Big Comforter that Eric's mom made us for our wedding. (I attached a picture:) its super heavy and soo soft and the most comfy blanket ever!

Day 27: I Am Thankful For... The fact that I have overcome my fear of giving myself shots.. This whole thing would be so much more complicated and stressful if I didn't get over that and had to find someone to get me 4 shots a day.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Shoot Me!

Today's the day, folks! I started my stim shots! Woohoo!

My shot regimen is a little different this time around. The past 2 rounds have been very similar, only differing in doses. This time we added a new med and took one of the other ones away.

(I'm about to talk meds now- you can go ahead and skip this next part if you don't understand it or care about which meds I did last two times vs this time.)

Last 2 times: (long Lupron protocol) Birth Control pills for about a month then crossed to 10units of Lupron in the AM for about a week or so then I switched to 5units adding in 75units of Menopur in the AM and 150units Follistim in the PM. The Menopur and Follistim doses changed with each appointment depending on my E2 (estrogen) levels. I triggered with Novarel and then used Vivelle patches and got PIO (progesterone in oil) shots in the butt until negative blood tests.

This time: (antagonist protocol) no Lupron this time! Birth control for about 2 months, finished birth control and wait 5 days and stars stims (today!) with 75units Menopur and 75units Follistin in the AM and then repeated at night.. So 4 shots a day this time. This will continue for x amount of days (until my body is ready) and then add shot #5, Ganirelix- this is new! Until trigger shot, which will be Novarel again. (that'll be shot #6 that day!) After retrieval I'll start the Vivelle patches again as well as PIO shots in the butt again, but this time (hopefully!) until an ultrasound with a heartbeat(s)! :)

Sooo that's basically my shot cocktails for this round. I'm so excited and nervous but really hoping this will be it for us! 2013 should be our year! :) Hopefully Eric will have a birthday present of heartbeats on an ultrasound for his birthday in January! We would appreciate any prayers and good thoughts our way this month and hopefully good news will come in January! :)

I'll leave you with a picture of my first two pokes on my soon-to-be-pin-cushion belly and my first shot- cheers!

I Am Thankful: Days 16-24

Okay, okay.. My one post a day was short lived, what can I say? I was too busy being thankful all week in real life to post on here?

Alright- here we go:

Day 16: I Am Thankful For... Presley! She turned 1 this month! My little poopsie is so much fun and i totally love her:) She brings happiness to our little family and we really enjoy having her around! Happy birthday Pres!

Day 17: I Am Thankful For... Clean sheets. Love.them!

Day 18: I Am Thankful For... Temples! How amazing is it that we have the opportunity to have so many beautiful temples to attend and more being built so that everyone can have one closer! I absolutely love going to the temple and for the blessings I have received- especially eternal families :)

Day 19: I Am Thankful For... A Running Vehicle! Believe it or not, Eric and I have shared one vehicle for about 3 1/2 years, since we were engaged, and it has worked out really well, surprisingly. I am thankful for our cars we have had and that they have been reliable.

Day 20: I Am Thankful For... Music.

Day 21: I Am Thankful For... Family Gatherings. I love getting together with lots and lots of family!

Day 22: I Am Thankful For... Thanksgiving! How fortunate we are to have a day set aside to give thanks for the blessings we have. If only we would each remember to be that thankful for the rest of the year, since we are so very blessed:)

Day 23: I Am Thankful For... Arby's! Yum- need I say more?

Day 24: I Am Thankful For... Stacie Loo! My adorable niece.. I love her soooo much! I know I shouldn't play favorites, but I can't help it. She's my favorite kid ever! I get voicemails from her a few times a week, and every time it makes my day. :) Annnd today she is coming to see me! I'm so excited! I'll post some pictures so you can see just how adorable she is!

Whew.. I am grateful to be able reflect on my thankfulness, what are you thankful for?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I Am Thankful: Day 15

Day 15: I Am Thankful For... Arizona weather! I am a ninny when it comes to being cold, so Arizona (well the valley anyway) has my kind of winter. Short and not too terribly cold. :) And it's only blisteringly, unbearably hot for 2-3 months out of the year and the other 9-10 months are great! :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I Am Thankful: Day 14

Bam! I'm on the right day with only ONE days worth of thanksgiving :)

Day 14: I Am Thankful For... My Talents! Wednesday nights are choreography nights for my moms show choir and so today I am grateful for the the talent for choreographing the Lord blessed me with. I may not be the best, but I do know it is considered one of my talents. :) I know if I don't show gratitude for and actually use my talents, they will be taken away. I may not have many, so I definitely want to try to keep the ones I do have! :)

Third Times The Charm?

I'm letting the cat outta the bag.. Are you ready for this?

IVF #3 is in the works. I'm not keeping it a secret this time and I'm hoping I don't regret it later haha.

Before I get started with the deets, I want everyone to know that I still have the same concerns with letting everyone know we're doing this, (ie I don't want everyone to know I'm pregnant as early as 5 weeks for multiple reasons, and I want to be able to share the news my way, and possibly surprise people) buuuut I do know how powerful prayer is, especially in numbers and I'm choosing to let that outweigh my selfish concerns. One other thing- I won't be posting results as soon as I get them as far as positive and negative, so don't assume me not saying anything means it worked. We've done it twice with no baby to show so the odds aren't exactly in our favor. The process is long and a little complicated and sometimes a positive blood test doesn't result in a pregnancy that lasts more than a couple weeks. So for that reason, we will be letting everyone know when we know there's actually a baby in there.. Which means waiting. If you are curious about the procedure and timelines of how everything happens, and the possible outcomes, research it- it's pretty interesting stuff! If you don't want to research it, read my "journey to baby" tab and/or stay tuned for my updates about what's happening during this cycle.

I'm excited, nervous and a little freaked out knowing everyone will know what's happening, but I also feel a peace knowing I'll have everyone's support. :)

Sooo... at the moment I'm on birth control pills.! Doesn't it seem a little odd to be on BC pills while TRYING to get pregnant? I thought so too, but the reason is so that the dr can control my ovulation and how many eggs I produce and when. Awesome, right? Like I said, its seriously interesting.. Not to mention miraculous! I've been taking them for about a month now, and I am finally finished with those nasty little buggars on Monday- Hallelujah! They make me a little crazy.. But all for a good cause!

Next up will be dr appointments, injectable meds, more appointments, more shots, and more shots and appointments haha. Sounds fun?

Unfortunately we're becoming pros at this. I'm just hoping third times the charm!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I Am Thankful: Days 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, & 13.

Holy cow I'm behind! Still no internet at our house. But rumor has it that it's coming Thanksgiving weekend. (Long story short: My grandma refuses to use any service besides Cox and our neighborhood is brand spankin new- like we were the SECOND people to move into the development- and Cox isn't established here or something since no one has it so we have to wait for them to hook up service for this area before they can get it to our house.. Which will be in a couple weeks.)

Anywho! This isn't supposed to be about complaints!

Day 8: I Am Thankful For... Jobs! So grateful for both mine and Eric's employment. We have both been very fortunate to have consistent employment even with switching jobs. I know many have experienced layoffs and not being able to find a job so I am very grateful for the work we have had since getting married.

Day 9: I Am Thankful For... Technology. It is absolutely incredible. We are able to broadcast meetings and conferences for church, we have cell phones to make a lot of things easier, I was able to get an education online, and there are so many advancements that happen everyday to help improve our lives. One of technologies I'm most grateful for right now is medical technology... Miraculous things are happening in medicine and I have gotten to experience some through our treatments. Seriously, look up In-Vitro Fertilization and see what happens behind the scenes. It is absolutely incredible! Hopefully soon this wonderful technology will help start our family. :)

Day 10: I Am Thankful For... Nature. God's creations that surround us are so beautiful. If you haven't experienced an Arizona sunset, put it on your bucket list. The earth is beautiful and we are all so lucky to live on it and experience the works of a loving Heavenly Father.

Day 11: I Am Thankful For... The Veterans! All of the wonderful men and women who selflessly serve our country so we may enjoy the freedoms we have.

Day 12: I Am Thankful For... Running water! Last night I was taking a hot bath and I couldn't help but think about how lucky I was to be able to take a bath when I want to. And a hot one at that. So many people need clean water to drink, let alone bathe in.

Day 13: I Am Thankful For... My Map on my phone! I know it may sound silly, but I have horrible sense of direction and if it weren't for the map I have on my iPhone, I swear I'd get lost nearly every day!

Whew! Sorry for the lack of posting, but it's so weird on my phone! I'll try to do better. :)

What are you thankful for?

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I Am Thankful: Days 6 & 7

Still no Internet at our new casa so I'm trying to do this on my phone without much luck!

Day 6: I Am Thankful For... Toilet paper. A completely necessary and wonderful invention. To whomever invented it, me and my hoo-ha thank you. :)

Day 7: I Am Thankful For... My senses. I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste without even thinking about it. I can see the beautiful arizona sunsets and smell the air turning to fall. I can hear music, taste yummy food, and feel everything around me. I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with all of my sensory organs in tact and running, and for that, I am grateful :)

Monday, November 5, 2012

I Am Thankful: Days 3, 4, & 5

So I'm behind because we don't have Internet at the new house yet and Eric and I moved over on Saturday and have been staying there until everyone else comes over. It's been nice to have a couple days alone:) So today I get to write about 3 things I'm thankful for!

Day 3: I Am Thankful For... My relationship with Heavenly Father and my savior, Jesus Christ, my faith, the church, my testimony of the gospel, and the opportunity to live in a country where I have freedom of religion.

Day 4: I Am Thankful For... Our new house to live in so that everyone can have their own space and that my parents can have a nice house to live in long term. It is closer to work for Eric and has a beautiful kitchen that we can all gather in. I can't wait until Christmas to have everyone over and to fill this huge house with people I love so much.

Day 5: I Am Thankful For... Insurance. We have had the huge blessing of working with insurance companies through our employment that has allowed us to do fertility treatments that most insurances don't cover. It is becoming more and more rare to have fertility coverage through employer insurance and we have been so fortunate to have had the chance to do 3 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles with minimal out of pocket cost to us. For those 5 cycles, without insurance, we'd have to pay around $40,000. So I am very very Thankful for that huge blessing in our lives:)

Friday, November 2, 2012

I Am Thankful: Days 1 & 2

Okay, so I'm starting a day late, but what better chance to reflect on the things you have to be grateful for than the month of Thanksgiving. I have so many wonderful blessings in my life, so I want to participate in the thankful challenge many people do in November. I don't know if there is officially a thankful challenge, but a lot of people seem to be doing this. Since its only the 2nd, I figure its not too late to start-- and you can too! Just write about one thing you're grateful for on each day in November!

Day 1: I Am Thankful For.. my husband!
(I know, so surprising to be #1, right? :) )

I love this man more than anything in the world.
He is perfect for me and never ceases to tell me and show me how much he loves me.
Our marriage is so much more awesome than I even dreamed of when I was little.
Marrying him was the best and the easiest decision I've ever made.
I'm glad we have eternity because even that may not be long enough. :)

Day 2: I Am Thankful For... my family!
(okay, I'm getting the major ones done first. ;) )

My mom, dad, and sisters are the only pictures I listed, but I am grateful for all of my family.
My grandparents, parents, parent-in-laws, sisters, sister-in-laws, brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and those friends who are practically family as well.
I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 
My parents are amazing and such inspirations to me.
My sisters are my best friends and I wish we could live on the same street and raise our kids together.
I have the best family ever. Period. :)

Alright, your turn... What are you thankful for? :)

Monday, October 29, 2012

We Like To Move It, Move it!

Okay so we don't really like moving, but that song has been stuck in my head when it comes to moving to the new house. Plus, it keeps my morale up while packing. :)

So the new house is finished, a bazillion papers signed to make it final, and now my parents and grandma are officially home owners of this ginormous house! Yay! We got the keys on Friday and Chelsea, my dad, and I packed up the garage at the house we're renting. The garage was completely stuffed. Like, we had about a one foot walk way from the door to the garage door so that we take out the trash, but that was it. I wish I would have taken a before and after picture because it was ridiculous. All of mine and Eric's stuff was in there, including new couches we had gotten right before we moved in, plus my grandma's huge patio furniture, plus a freezer and a refrigerator, plus a king size bed and two twin beds with bedframes and headboards and all that, plus about 80 boxes full of noni's stuff, a few filing cabinets, a desk, camping stuff, lawn mower, and I'm sure I'm forgetting alot of other stuff too, but I think you get the point! We got the biggest size of Uhaul truck, and we filled it completely up with no room to spare and still didn't even get everything in the garage out. Yep, ri-freakin-diculous! We haven't even put a dent in moving yet, sadly. Our entire house is still completely full and has yet to be packed. I'm sure it will take, but at least there will be room for everything in the new house- it's massive! Just about 5,500 sq ft! I'm exhausted just thinking about it really. And since I'm at home with my grandma, and everyone else has school and work, we (meaning me, of course) will probably be doing a huge majority of the pack and unpacking. Wish me luck! (...and sanity!)

We scoped out our new ward and it seems pretty awesome. They are very on top of things though, (the exec secretary followed us out after sacrament meeting the first time we went to get our info for our records to be transferred already! And this was before the house even closed!) so I wouldn't be surprised if we all have to speak in church realllllly soon. The other thing I noticed (of course) is that there are a million children, babies, and pregnant ladies in the ward. It seems to be mostly young families. I just hope I don't have any of my "bad days" on Sundays, or at least be able to hold it together until I get home. Who knows, maybe there's something in the water there... I can dream, right?

In other news, I'm now substitute teaching! It gives me something to do and I'm still home early enough that Noni isn't home all day by herself. I also am only going to take a couple days a week to substitute teach, so I will still be home most of the week.

Nothing else too exciting has been happening for us around here. I know my posts have been getting scarce, but I am just never really sure what to post when I don't do much!

Keep on keepin on everyone! :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

What Not To Say To Someone Struggling With Infertility

This post is not meant to offend anyone or meant for anyone in particular, but these are some of the most common phrases I hear pretty often. Now, if you know me, you know I'm not a person that is easily offended, but I am human, nonetheless. Infertility is such a hard thing to deal with and is something no one can possibly understand without experiencing it themselves. I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I feel completely hopeful, faithful, positive, patient and am able to keep the eternal perspective in mind. Other days, I am on edge and feel like I can blow at any moment, the smallest things will set me off, and on these days, emotions are running on an all-time high. Now, to be fair, I know no one can tell if its a bad day or not without me prefacing it, so I apologize if I have been (and I pre-apologize for my future bad days!) snappy and short with anyone. Many people don't know they are saying something offensive and of course don't intend it to be hurtful, but on my bad days, I can't promise I won't blow up at you or go off on you.

Sooo these are some of the phrases that, in general, should be avoided when you're talking to someone you know struggling with infertility.

"Just relax." -I hear this all.the.time. Generally it is accompanied by "go on vacation" or a story about how they were trying to conceive and as soon as they weren't so worried about it, and relaxed, it happened. If you can just "relax" and get pregnant, chances are, you do not struggle with infertility. You probably also don't know much about the medical conditions behind infertility, or just have a lack of knowledge in anatomy of the reproductive organs and the intricacies of what it takes to create a child. Trust me, just "relaxing" doesn't work.

"It will happen when you stop trying." -Okay this somewhat goes along with the "just relax" comment. I doubt stopping treatments or stopping timed intercourse will help anyone get pregnant. Would you tell someone looking for a job to just stop looking and sit back and wait for a job to come to them? Doubtful. In order for someone to get pregnant, certain things need to happen in a certain order. (If you have some comment about teenagers getting pregnant or other 'accidental' pregnancies, and how they weren't trying to get pregnant, save it. Totally don't want to hear it.)

"Don't worry, you're so young!" -First off, I want to be a young mom, what's wrong with that? Secondly, the fact that we are young and having trouble is scary in itself. People are the most fertile when they're young, and so if we're not getting pregnant now, the odds are not going to be any better than now the older we get!

"If my husband looks at me the right way, I get pregnant." or "Oh I definitely can't relate, I always get pregnant right away." Or any other comment about how easily you get pregnant, I assure you, I can do without. That is not a way to comfort someone trying so hard, and spending so much money to bring a child into this world.

"You're so lucky you don't have to deal with this morning sickness (or insert any other 'awful' pregnancy symptom here)." -Again, just don't. I get that there are some not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms, and you have every right to complain about them if you want, just don't do it to one of your friends/someone you know struggling to get pregnant. It is so not nice. And although you friend will probably not say anything, in her head she is thinking how she would love to be throwing up a few times a day if it meant she had a baby growing inside her and would give up anything to be able to be so uncomfortably huge, with a bundle bruising her ribs with kicks.

"You want one of mine?" -This is just plain rude. Of course you mean it as a joke, but seriously? You friend wants a baby soo badly and would love to have more than one, why would you want to insult her with such a question? Maybe instead, try appreciating and loving your kids a little more, knowing there are people without such a luxury.

"Just enjoy this time together!" -Trust me, we are! I absolutely adore my husband and have been so grateful for the time we have spent together. We have an eternity to spend together, which I plan on fully enjoying as well. Enjoying time with my husband and having kids together are not separate events. Can we not enjoy time together as a family?

"You're so lucky you can travel/sleep in/do whatever you want/etc." -You're completely correct. We are able to do those things, but we would give it up in a second to be able to have a baby! We have been so blessed and fortunate to be able to do all of the traveling we have done. We do get to sleep through the night and sleep in on weekends. We can take a random trip and don't have to worry about getting kids ready and car seats in the car before going to the grocery store. But it isn't by choice. You may see it as a sacrifice to give those things up because you have kids, but we would willingly and gladly give those things up for a chance to start a family.

There are probably more things I could have written, but these are some of the most common I hear. And like I said, most of the time I can shrug these comments off, but sometimes it stings even if I don't say anything. I'm hoping maybe this post can help you be a little more aware of the things you are saying to/around someone you know who may be dealing with infertility and trying to conceive a child.

It is also important for you to know that you do not need to tip-toe around subjects or avoid conversations with someone you know struggling. We do appreciate support and don't really mind answering questions. It is normal to complain about your children when they are being a pain, to complain about pregnancy symptoms, and to complain about how your kids messed up your body, house, finances, etc. Just know we would trade you places any day, and complaining about those things to us are hurtful when you know what we're struggling to start our family.

Unless you've walked the shoes of infertility, you can't relate, and we know that. So just knowing that you're there and that you care helps. We don't want to hear nor do we need empty, long, elaborate, no-ill-will-intended-but-it-kinda-comes-off-that-way advice or 'sorrys' when you haven't been in our shoes.

Now, for some things that are helpful to hear:
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."
"I'm here for you."
"I'm praying for you."
"Let me know if you want to talk."

Short, sweet, and genuine. And trust me, that's what helps the most.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

That Time I Went Grocery Shopping For the First Time After Getting Married

When Eric and I were eating dinner last night, we were talking about how often we ate out when we first got married and how strange it was for me to spend money on going out to eat because my family rarely ate out growing up. Then he brought up the first time I went grocery shopping for the first time after we got married. It gave both of us a good laugh and I thought, heck- why not put it on the blog so that when we get older we can remember/share with our children funny experiences we had in the early years of our marriage. So without further ado, my grocery shopping story:

We had gotten home from our honeymoon and were settling into real life in our adorable little townhouse in Scottsdale as a newly married couple when we realized our cupboards were bare. Eric asked if I could go grocery shopping after work on Monday, and like a good little wifey, I happily obliged. I asked him if there was anything specific he would like me to get, and he said to just get whatever I wanted. Perhaps he meant, or what he should have said, is to get what I thought we needed for meals for the week.

Now, in order to fully appreciate my story, I must provide a little back story. Although I had moved out of my parents house after high school, and had lived on my own (well mostly on my own) I still had never gone "big grocery shopping," as we called it growing up, by myself. I usually would only pick up a few items at a time that I needed. Basically, "big grocery shopping" meant mom was going to wal-mart an hour away (oh the joy of small towns) to buy tons of groceries to last the next few weeks and we'd end up spending like 3 hours in wal-mart, during most of which we tried to convince her of things we should get. Things that we really, realllllly wanted. Most of those items included completely unhealthy, sugar infused, extremely delicious snacks. She, of course, always said no and would occasionally let us get one, less than $1, candy or candy bar at the check out stand. My sisters and I tired to get smart and one of us would distract my mom, while the other would place a yummy, non-mom-approved, snack into the cart and hope she would not notice. We actually got away with it a few times, but mostly, she found our hidden treasures when she started stacking all of the items on the sliding grocery belt. Okay, now fast forward back to Monday after work.

With no list in hand, I made my way into the grocery store after work and grabbed a cart, wondering what I should get. (You know what's coming, don't you?) I racked my brain, trying to remember the meals I knew how to make and trying to recall what the ingredients were. Just like I remembered my mom doing, I started at one end of the store down one isle and then weaved up and down the isles until I ended up on the opposite side of the store. After a couple of hours of pining over what to get, I realized I had successfully filled up my cart and proceeded to check out, with a big smile on my face.  I remember thinking, "Gosh, grocery shopping is so expensive!" It was so fun to be able to grocery shop for my own household, our little family of two. I loaded my brown plastic bags into the trunk of my car and headed home. I called Eric to let him know I was on my way, and to be ready to help me carry the groceries in. He asked how much I spent and I told him the amount... which was like $200 or something, and he asked if I got a lot of food for that amount (you see, he had never really "big grocery shopped" either, although I'm not sure how it was done in his household) and I told him I got tons! He could tell I was very excited and he met me outside when I pulled up to help me carry in my large load.

After all the bags were brought in, I started unloading the goods. And I do mean goods! As Eric helped me put the groceries away, he kept looking through the bags as if he was looking for something. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Where's all of the food?" As I looked around at what I had purchased, I had realized my little kid self inside me took over as a grocery shopped! I had come home with $200 worth of delicious snacks, and no actual food to eat! I guess I got overly excited about being able to get what I wanted, that I forgot that I would actually need to have meals to eat. The only thing I could think to say was, "You said to get whatever I wanted." My poor husband! He couldn't help but laugh because of how excited I was when he talked to me on the phone and then how sad my face looked when I realized I had ultimately failed at my first grocery shopping trip.

We ended up going back to the store the next day, together, (okay, it's obvious I needed some supervision!) and bought another $100 or so worth of groceries to make actual meals.
Oh common, who needs breakfast, lunch, and dinner anyway? :)

By the way- I realized I liked grocery shopping with Eric rather than alone so I came up with "the grocery game" to convince him to come with me. If you have a husband that doesn't particularly like going grocery shopping with you, perhaps my game will work for you! Let me know if you want the rules to the game!* ;)

Want another laugh? The next time I went grocery shopping, I ended up getting a few packages of paper plates and plastic cups because both Eric and I hated doing dishes. I may as well have taken up stock because that lasted a good 6 months! The only time we busted out my adorable dish set that my mother-in-law got us, was when someone else came over to eat. I can admit when I'm lazy, and that was such a lazy thing to do, but hey, it made us happy and made for a clean kitchen!

For those who may be concerned for my husband's well-being, I assure you that I am a very competent, list-making, occasional-coupon-using grocery shopper now, I do know how to cook a meal or two, and both Eric and I know how to and do actually clean the dishes. ;)

The Grocery Game:

Rule 1: You both have to be present to win.
Rule 2: No adding along the way with a calculator, only secretly in your head.
Rule 3: You must make your guess prior to the first item being scanned. (On your way to the check-out stand works great.)

Objective: Be the one to estimate the closest cost of the grocery bill.

Prize: The one who gets closest to the actual bill (can be over or under), gets one SEXUAL favor of their choice (translate that however you wish;) ), redeemable within 24 hours. :)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


This quote describes how I feel today, and everyday for that matter, in regards to infertility. When people say to me "I don't know how you do it" or ask "how do you stay so strong?" Well, this is my answer. I don't have a choice. I don't choose this. I can't just flip the light switch to off and say, "Okay, I'm done now! This infertility thing was so fun while it lasted but I'll just go ahead and take that newborn girl, actually make that two, next Tuesday around 2:30pm. I'll take them with a side of curly hair, one with blue eyes, one with green, extra chub on the side, light on the crying, hold any health issues. Please and thank you!"
 People that don't struggle with infertility don't know just how lucky they are. Sometimes people close say completely the wrong thing to me or around me... I just smile and don't clue them into the hurt, and occasional anger, going on inside me in reaction to what they said. Today I feel pissed at the world but seeing this picture posted on good ol' Facebook helped me realize that I am strong, though not fully by choice. Tomorrow will be a better day and I will feel not so moody and pissed off:)

I have decided soon I will write a "what not to say to people struggling with infertility post" to hopefully help people be somewhat more understanding and to also keep things from being said that can set off a hormonal infertile at any given moment. :) 

For now, that is all.

Friday, September 7, 2012

A Random Post About Feelings, a Confession, Venting, a Wedding, Choreography, and the New House

For the past few weeks, I have kept trying to start a new post and each time, I realize I'm just not sure what I'm wanting to blog about, so this is just going to be a post of random ramblings.

I have loved the support Eric and I have gotten from friends, family, and strangers with our infertility journey. It has been nice to be open and talk about it with people instead of just keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I also have loved that there have been some people who have come to me with their story and thanked me for sharing mine because they can relate. I really wanted to be able to help someone in a similar situation and have been touched by those I've been able to relate to.

So I'm going to confess an awful addiction I have that I, for some reason, torture myself with. I absolutely love watching A Baby Story, Make Room for Multiples, and even more awful, an occasional Teen Mom and shows about teenage pregnancy. Why do I do this to myself, you ask? I have yet to find the answer myself. In fact, I'm watching A Baby Story as I type this- awful, right? Watching A Baby Story and Make Room for Multiples isn't that bad. I love watching the whole experience and seeing those babies fresh from heaven just warms my heart and with the multiples show, many of the couples struggled with infertility and had to have a treatment in order to get the babies here... so I allow myself a 1 minute pity party that I don't have a baby, and then move on. The Teen Mom and other shows about teenage pregnancy, that's where more of the angry feelings come out. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think that teens are incapable of being good parents, but it's just super frustrating that so many teenagers, making not so good choices, get to be blessed with the gift of creating life, while married couples, with the love and means to take care of a child, are left with vacant wooms. (Ha get it? room/womb.) I try not to judge, because I know that children are placed where and with whom they are meant to be, but I can't help but be a little jealous and hurt when they say things like, "I wish I would have waited to have sex" and "I wish I didn't have this baby so I could do teenager thing." It's just a slap in the face, ya know? Okay, I'm done venting about that for now.

Being so busy with infertility treatments from October to June, it kind of felt like infertility was our whole life. Everything revolved around weekly, and sometimes daily, doctors appointments and our emotions were all over the place. We wanted to be hopeful, but realistic, then we'd get excited and be so scared, and after every failed treatment we were really sad and then tried to be faithful and patient and hopeful for the next month. Basically infertility took over everything. These past 3 months have been a nice chance to breath and to kind of reconnect with each other. I have had to remind myself that infertility does not define us and that we have so many things to be grateful for, namely each other. Even though going months without any treatments sometimes feels like we're wasting time, we have had other things to focus on. I am so happy I've been able to lose 25 scratch that, 24 pounds (I gained 2lbs last week with going to San Diego and everything, which I'm okay with because I was so sure I gained at least 5, and I've lost 1 of those this week so far) so that has been awesome. I hope to lose about 20 more, but realistically I think 15lb would be good. Maybe when I get brave, I'll post pictures of my before and after.

Well little Chelsea Bea is married off now- She's Chelsea Hansen! So exciting! We love Justin, aka Biebs, and him and Chelsea are so perfect for each other. They got sealed in the San Diego Temple, which was absolutely gorgeous! Her dress was so perfect and everyone loved it! The pictures outside were... well you know how family pictures at weddings go if you've ever experienced it, ha. Our family is a little loud, obnoxious, loving, and so much fun, and the Hansen's, well lets just say our families fit well together! I can't wait to see the pictures, I'm sure they'll turn out great! After the pictures outside the temple, I went with the photographer and Chelsea and Justin to La Jolla beach for pictures. I basically helped fluff her dress and held their shoes and anything else they/the photographer needed. it was gorgeous, and I seriously cannot wait to see how those pictures turned out!
We had an awesome long weekend filled with tons of family, food, swimming, and great times. One of the boys' favorite eats of the weekend was Slaters 50/50. It was so delicious and has been featured a few times on the Food Network. If you haven't hear of it, you should look it up.

I have also been busy with choreographing for my mom's show choir, which I've been doing for like a million years... okay like 8 or 9 years, but still, that's a lot. The show we have been working on as of late is a Tribute to Michael Jackson show, and let me tell you- it's pretty Bad A, if I do say so myself! If you happen to wanna come watch the concert, dinner included, it's on Monday (the 10th) and I can get you the rest of the details if you wanna come. :)

The new house is coming along, for those of you that are interested, and hopefully we'll be able to get to move in pretty soon. We're all ready to get out of this house and have more space, although not necessarily excited to actually pack and move. Another reason is the backyard here. Holy yuck! Last month we realized we have a tick infestation when we found ticks on our dogs, those poor things. They had tons of ticks on them and we ended up taking them to the animal hospital for medications and luckily the property management company paid for it to get sprayed. I'm happy to report that our pups are now tick free thanks to their way too expensive monthly medication, but I know one spray is not gonna keep those suckers (literally) away, so I'm definitely ready to get out.

Welp, that is all I feel like rambling about for now! I'll post some pictures of Chelsea's wedding weekend a little later. Until next post.. :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Tellin' the Truth: The Not-So-Glamorous Parts of IVF

Ha. I just found this blog and came across this post and it is hilarious! And SOOOO true. I experienced of those things with both IVF's, no joke, and I could not have explained it better myself. :)


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Journey to Baby...

The time has come.

I added a new page to our blog titled "Our Journey to Baby" to fill everyone in on what has been happening in our little fertility life . I did this in hopes that it would give insight to those we love as to what we've been doing, or to maybe help someone going through something similar. Mostly I did it for myself, to have documentation of our experiences so far, since I'm not much of a journal keeper.

So I welcome anyone who wants to, and who has time on their hands ;), to read it. Also, I know we have been kind of hush hush about everything to this point, but I put everything out in the open with this page, so no questions are off limits. If you are wondering anything, feel free to ask. If you want to talk about anything, I'm more than willing. If you're someone going through something similar, I'd love to be there to support you if you need someone to talk to.

Alright, that is all. Enjoy! :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Full House... Literally.

My past few posts have been about traveling and playing catch-up. It feels good to be up to date with our trips and what not! Haha now we all know I'm no good at blogging, BUT I do think I'm getting better!

I thought I'd go ahead and update a little on what's going on in our little family life lately, since last I updated was in May.

Sooo right now we live in a pretty crowded--but filled with love ;)-- house. This includes, Eric and I, my mom and dad, my 7 year old sister Emily, my 19 year old sister Chelsea, and my grandma Noni, and an abundance of furniture.

I'll explain how this came about.. We decided, along with my parents, to rent a house together and split the cost of utilities/groceries/etc for a little while, to hopefully help us both out financially. We found a nice spacious home in San Tan Valley and moved in, in March. My mom sold basically everything they owned when they were moving from Holbrook so they don't really have too much furniture or anything, and Eric and I- being newlyweds and coming from a small apartment- didn't have too much furniture to our name either. The house seemed really big and spacious, and fit our needs as far as who was living there. So it was Eric, myself, my parents, and Emily in the big house.

In November, my Noni's husband passed away and so after a while visiting her sister out of state, and having her brother stay with her in her house for a few months, she decided to sell her home since she didn't want to live alone and her brother wanted to return to California to be around his kids. In June was when all this took place. We, of course, welcomed her into our home with open arms and are grateful to have her close to us! (So close, in fact, that I can step three steps from my bedroom door to hers.) Along with Noni moving in, so did her houseful of furniture. We thought our house was big and a little empty, so we were grateful for the furniture. Once we got everything moved in, we realized we had wayyy more than enough furniture, and the house suddenly felt too small. I volunteered my new couches to be put in the garage, along with anything of mine and Eric's that could be packed up, and about 50 or so boxes of Noni's packed this. Needless to say, our garage is completely stuffed, floor to ceiling. Our house is stuffed wall to wall. So then it was Eric, myself, my mom, my dad, Emily, and Noni in the not so big house.

In the end of June, my sister Holli decided to move back to Thatcher from San Tan Valley, so that her and her hubs could actually see each other more than a couple days a week. Sad for us, but, heck, who could blame her?! Now Chelsea, my younger sister, lived with Holli... with Holli and her family moving, yep, you guessed it! Chelsea needed someplace to stay. She got engaged in May and is getting married the end of August, so she came to live with us! Woohoo!! Chelsea, luckily, doesn't come with a ton of stuff, just her clothes and her bed and a few other things but that's about it. So now it is Eric, myself, my mom, my dad, Emily, Noni and Chelsea, in our gradually shrinking home.

So our house is stuffed to the brim with people and furniture, and yes, it can be stressful at times, but I really do love being close to family. I loooove having Chelsea around again- she is so much fun and I just enjoy being around her. Emily is the same little handful as I remember when I was living at home before, but she is a funny little thing and enjoys helping others. My parents are as easy to live with as I remember, and are fun to be around. Having my sassy grandma around is a riot and I'm glad to have this time with her, and to be able to grow such a wonderful friendship.

Noni and my parents have put a down payment on a new house that is being built that will fit everyone's stuff and will fit my parents' and Noni's needs better, for a long term living situation. It's big enough for Eric and I to live as well, for however long that time will be. (This depends on a few different things. We've decided that I won't go back to work for now so that someone can be here with Noni. If Eric and I were to move out, my mom would probably have to stop working to stay home, so we agreed that we'd stay for the time being They're also still waiting for their house to sell in Holbrook, so us moving out would probably cause financial hardship on them at this time. Buuuut Eric and I are ready to have our own space again, whenever the time is right.)

My parents and Emily went back to school this week, both Eric and Chelsea are gone during the day working, so Noni and I hang out together all day. I get to visit with her and listen to her stories and experiences, we read and watch TV, we go shopping and to the movies, and we cook together. I'm so grateful to have this special time with her!

Well... This post is way longer than I anticipated, but since I don't write in a journal, I want to be able to look back at what was happening at different points in our marriage and see what I was thinking and feeling at the time. This blog is kinda like a journal for me I suppose, and more for my benefit than anyone elses, so I'm not apologizing! :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

New York! (State Trip- May 2012)

In the end of May, Eric and I went to New York for our state trip. It was nice to get away for a bit, and I think Eric definitely deserved it after working so hard with work and school and it was wonderful not to have to think about having to do homework or work when we got home. Anywhooo.. Here are our pictures of our New York trip! :)

(As a side note-- I realize in the majority of our other vacation pictures, I avoided being in the pictures- mostly because I'm uncomfortable with the way I look and my weight- but I do want to remember being there and have proof I was there haha so I did make an effort to be in more pictures for this trip... Plussss I'm working on losing the weight so it'll be nice to see where I was compared to where I end up:) okay, end of side note!)

 These next pictures are of a submarine we got to go into.. I definitely could NOT live in a submarine even if someone gave me a million dollars..

 Can you say claustrophobia?! Those doors were sooo tiny. Everything in the submarine was just so compact and close together. I'm surprised I made it out alive!

 Eric was totally in love!

 New York skyline!
 The new Word Trade Tower, Tower One

 The 9/11 memorial was absolutely beautiful. The ground felt so sacred and the feeling of gratitude to those who serve our country and those who lost their lives, was overwhelming.

 Oh Carrie... One day I'll have your body and hair! :)

 I had to stick my camera out and take a picture of how high up we were.. It was awesome!

Goodbye New York! :)