Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Now?

Now that the house has emptied of family and things are quieting down, there are not so many things to distract me from the truth of this failed cycle. I'm still doing alright, no major breakdowns but it still is sad. I want to be a mom so badly but it is obvious I have to wait on the Lord's timing. I know I did all I could have for it to work and it still didn't so I don't have any questions or regrets. So what now?

A new year is just around the corner. 2013 won't be baby year for us like we thought it would be, but we have so many other good things happening in our lives and so much to be thankful for! Although not in the way we thought or necessarily hoped and prayed for, we have been so blessed.
Here are some things I'm looking forward to (or hoping for) in 2013:

--Going on a 7-day cruise with friends to Contzumel Mexico, Jamaica, and the Cayman Islands in the end of April
--Our "State Trip" to Virginia
--Joining the gym with my mom
--Losing 15lb more before the cruise
--Running a 10k
--Starting nursing school (this will happen only if I get a spot for the Fall- hopefully I do! This one isn't in my control, I've already been on the wait list for 5 semesters- which is 2.5years!)
--Auditioning for Hairspray the Musical
--Auditioning for the Easter Pageant
--Taking a dance class
--Volunteer at a hospital

I'm ready to move on and focus on something else for a while. I've been pumped with drugs and hormones and meds for over a year now and I'm ready to have myself back. I feel as if my life has been on some sort if hold, waiting for baby and trying so hard to get pregnant. I'm ready to achieve something and actually DO something with my life and when the time comes for us to have the opportunity to try again down the road or end up pregnant on our own miraculously, I'll welcome it with open arms.. But for now, I'm closing this chapter and moving on to the next.

Bring on 2013.

Thomas Christmas Extravaganza!

Well Christmas this year was with my family and my mom planned almost a whole week full of festivities. So Friday night is when my sisters and their families came, and we didn't have anything planned for that night because we had a wedding to take down. (our family has a wedding business if you didn't already know:

Saturday morning was the BETA so Eric and I drove to Scottsdale for the blood draw and then met the family at the Mesa Temple to do some family names together. We ate breakfast together at the cafeteria there and then went and did sealings. Now waiting for BETA results is not fun and can mess with your head, so waiting at the temple was the perfect way to spend the few hours waiting. When we were done, I had a voicemail waiting for me and I had a tiny sliver of hope which quickly diminished when the voicemail confirmed what I already knew- it didn't work and we weren't pregnant.. Again. I didn't really want to tell my family so I just let them listen to the voicemail. They were sad and saying how sorry they were but I was just ready for it all to be over with and for everyone to not talk about it. I sen out a text to all the family and then posted on the blog.

We all met for lunch and then the plan for the day was shopping. So we all went our separate ways to finish our last minute shopping. I got a call from Dr. A that afternoon, the awesome person he is, to say how sorry he was as well. He went on to explain some next steps and where we should go from here but it was hard to focus on what he was saying. We will go in sometime soon for our "WTF" appointment to talk more about all of it.. But I think we're done, for now.

That night the family went to the temple lights and Eric and I had to get some groceries for breakfast the next day and ended up just going home to hang out together.

Sunday: we woke up and I made breakfast for everyone (by the way 'everyone' includes my mom and dad, my oldest sister, her husband and their two boys, my second oldest sister, her hubs and their little boy and girl, my younger sister and her new hubs, my 7 year old sis, and Eric and I). After that we all went to church. Eric and I were asked to substitute in primary for the 3 year old class so we hung out with 10 littles for a couple hours.. It was both fun and a little painful. After church we took naps, hung out, wrapped gifts, and watched movies for a while until we started the nativity. Eric and I were asked to be Joseph and pregnant Mary- very funny, right? It turned out cute and I tried to just keep on my happy face. It was fun having a cute little fake pregnant belly, but it was just that-
After the nativity we went caroling. There was some game on so most of the guys stayed home and my mom, the sisters, and the grand kids went. It was so much fun. Our neighborhood is brand new so it was fun to meet some of our neighbors. My mom and sisters and I harmonized and it was awesome to sing with them again, it's been a while! I absolutely love singing with our family:) Once we got back from caroling, we put the kids to bed and had a murder mystery dinner. We all dressed up in 30's costumes and it was such a blast! If you haven't done one before, you totally should!

Monday, Christmas Eve, we all had a few other things to get. So we split up again, and went out. All of us sisters and our husbands met at olive garden for lunch then went home to do some major wrapping. Our family talent show (or variety show, rather) was at 7 and it was hilarious! We had 18 talents presented and some where serious, and most weren't but we had a ton of fun! Our traditional "Bug" game was next. Its our version of white elephant and it makes it last longer. It's basically like the game Cooties but once you draw a bug you pin a present or steal someone else's. If you want the full game rules let me know- it's super awesome! The kids went to bed and we got all of the presents and stockings set up and went to bed ourselves.

Tuesday, Christmas Day, we opened presents and played Just Dance and ate and watched Pitch Perfect (LOVE!) I got my very first bike! Haha that was cool. It's a beach cruiser and totally adorable! Eric used my dads bike and we went for a long ride with Presley. Eric got a book series he's been wanting and he also got a white house Lego set- which he was super excited about! Haha my niece (the one I've posted about before- shes my favorite!) got a legit cinderella dress and she was soo adorable! It was a fun day and it was so nice to be surrounded by family. My sister, that lives in Cali, and her family had to leave that afternoon, which was sad, but it was so nice to have them here all weekend. Also today (Warning! This is a TMI section) I started my post IVF period in the late afternoon. Compete suckfest! It is soo awful and painful and is like mother nature YELLING at me that I'm not pregnant. I normally have very regular, light, 4 day, no cramping, periods but after a treatment, it's just horrible. It makes me want to cry for so many reasons! Okay TMI section over.

Today, besides my sisters fam in Cali and the 2 husband's that have to work (that includes Eric), we are all planning on going to the zoo. I don't think I'll be going actually, but that's what's on today's agenda.

It's been a very fun-filled, delicious, exciting, and hilarious holiday weekend/week. I love having all of my family in one house together and it's neat to see the family grow from just us girls to husbands and kids.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Negative Ghost Rider

Beta today = Negatory

Got the call today and once again we got a negative. We're sad, but doing fine. I already knew since I cheated and just felt not pregnant so I have had a few days to come to grips with it.

I'll do a longer post later, I just wanted to update everyone.

Again, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. It has meant so much to us to have the support we do.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I POAS'd at 9.5dp3dt, 10dp3dt, and 11dp3dt with FMU and got BFN on all of them.

Not good.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dear Embryos,

Oh my sweet little embabies, the nurse called today and said none of the other embryos survived to be frozen. This wasn't surprising, since we've never had any to freeze, but it made me a little worried about you three. I need you to keep growing!
Today you should be blastocysts and start coming out of your shell. Don't be shy now! Dr. A did assisted hatching just for you, to help it be a little easier to get out. I know you can do it.
I need you to stay with me and snuggle in for the long haul. Your daddy and I have been waiting a very long time for you to get here and many people love you and are praying for you! You are so wanted and so loved already. Please, please, please stay with me.

Your mommy.

My Husband is Awesome :)

Anyone who knows Eric in real life knows how super awesome and amazing he is.. But I bet you didn't know he was THIS awesome- last night after my nightly PIO shot in the butt, I said something like "How would you like this needle in your butt? Then you could get a little glimpse at what I go through with these shots." (yeah I was being a little bit of a brat, but it really does suck getting stuck in the butt! My butt is soooo freakin sore already, and it's only been 5 days!)
Anywho! Eric said "Okay, do it." in stick a needle in his butt! Say what?! Does anyone else have a husband that would let you stick this sucker (refer to picture) in his gluteus maximus? I seriously doubt it. I asked if he was serious and he said yes.. So I got a new needle out, got an alcohol swab out and wiped down the designated area. Again I asked if he was really going to let me and he just laid (lay, lie?) there waiting. Honestly I thought maybe he'd punch me or something out of reflex.. So I stretched the skin out and... BAM! Stabbed him right in the butt like a ninja!

...okay that last sentence was a lie.

It was more like, BAM- Brenley's a little ninny! I just couldn't do it! I know how it feels and I just didn't want to inflict any pain on him I guess haha you'd think after all the shots he's stabbed me with, I could do it. But, alas, I could not.

But common, seriously people, the fact that he was going to let me do it- how awesome is he? He didn't have to say it out loud, but just doing that shows me how supportive he is and he wants me to know he's there and that he cares and appreciates what I'm going through.

Ahh I just love that guy. :)

Things I've Done Differently

I decided to compile the things we've done differently this cycle into one post here, so if it works (when it works (; positive thinking right?) and people asked what I did differently than the last 2 cycles, I'll have my list!

1. Lost 30lb
2. Took Metformin for 5 months prior
3. Antagonist Protocol
4. Darcy was there (a new nurse haha)
5. Acupuncture (2 days before ER and directly before and after ET)
6. Actual Bedrest for day of, and 2.5 days following ET.
7. Assisted Hatching
8. Wore socks all the time except for when I went to sleep for the night.
9. Told everyone (in real life and online) about this cycle, blogged about it, and asked everyone for prayers and positive thoughts.
10. Cried
11. Ate a chunk of pineapple core for 4 days starting day after ET.

That's all I can think of right now, but if I remember or realize something else, I'll add it to the list. :)

Monday, December 10, 2012

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians!

My embryos got their report card and we had 1 A, 1 B, and 10 C's. Not great, but not too bad!

Dr. A decided to put back A, B, and 1 C... so I have 3 little embabies tucked away in my ute! He also decided to do something called assisted hatching since we've had 2 failed cycles, so we'll see if that makes a difference this time! I also did the acupuncture today before and after the transfer and am interested to see if that helped as well.

Now the waiting begins! Our first ultrasound should be the first week of Jan, I believe, so unfortunately nothing too exciting will be happening on our blog before that.

I am going on a self prescribed bed rest for three days so I'll just be hanging out in my room if anyone needs me! Last 2 times I only rested the day of the transfer and was back to my busy schedule the next day so this time I'm going to take it easy and make sure AB&C stay put!

Keep the prayers coming! These babies need to grow strong!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Dozen

21 eggs
19 mature
12 fertilized

We have a dozen embryos growing in their studio apartments (aka pea-tree dishes.)

I wrote a post earlier about the retrieval and it disappeared like that other one.. So annoying! Everything went well and very smooth. I'm pretty sore today but nothing too bad.

Our tentative transfer date is Monday at 10:30am. Pray for my little ones to continue to grow strong and receive great grades!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Pull the Trigger!

I'm a little behind so let me catch you up:

Tuesday: US/BD appt- things progressing, not quite ready for trigger, E2 levels were about 2,900 I believe, right around what it was supposed to be.

Yesterday's US/BD appt the eggies were looking good and finally the right size for trigger as long as my E2 levels were good. They came back normal.. I think it was like 3,500? I can't remember. So trigger time last night was 11:00pm! Woohoo!
I actually fell asleep but had set an alarm to wake up for it. Eric was great- I didn't feel a thing! I was slightly worried, since it is an intramuscular shot in the butt and usually I feel it, but I think everything is fine. It's sore this morning! Haha

So today I don't have an appt- yay!- since I did my pre-op appt yesterday instead. Dr. A is having his baby boys today! Well they're actually here I'm sure because the c-section was scheduled for 7am. So exciting!

I go in tomorrow at 10:15am with egg retrieval scheduled for 11:00am- we're almost there! I can't wait to see if the Metformin and weight loss helped my egg quality. I'll update tomorrow after I get home as far as how many eggs they got and everything! So stay tuned! :)

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday and he was very nice. As soon as Chelsea and I (she's my sister, but my husband for this week since Eric can't make it due to work) walked in to the office, we were greeted by this dog. She was so friendly and calm and soft, the receptionist said her name was Willow. Haha it was bizarre that she was just walking around the clinic, but it was cool. She was super well behaved and it almost seemed like she was trained to be soothing. I went into the room and sat/laid on a table with an S shape. I totally want one for my house- It was super comfy! The dr came in and we talked for a little bit about the IVF, my health, and a few different things, then he did his thing with the needles. He put them on my head, belly, legs, arms, and feet, and I really didn't feel anything. Then he put headphones on me and told me to meditate with this lady's voice. I was kind like "uh.. okay?" not sure what to expect but I actually really liked it. The lady was a dr specializing in fertility and it was a meditation session specifically for pre-egg retrieval. It just had me focus on my breathing and to really get in-tune with my body. I had to visualize my actual ovaries and the eggs growing with the medicine and my uterus thickening. I'm a believer in positive thinking and I think the mind has a lot of power, so it was nice to be able to focus on everything working in a reaxed environment like that for a half hour or so.

That was basically my experience with acupuncture for the first time.. Not too creepy haha! He's also going to come in the day of the transfer (probably Monday) and do a session right before and directly following the transfer, so that'll be great and I've heard it ups your chances of success so we'll see!

Sorry the picture is so awful. I didn't have time to get all the way ready for the day before my dr's appt at 7:45 haha and I'm suppper bloated from having so many eggs- my ovaries are now the size of softballs- but I wanted to show you the cool chair. :)

Monday, December 3, 2012

Chugging Along..

I wrote an entire blog post yesterday about my appointment and the medical center's name and even attached a picture and it just disappeared! So I didn't rewrite it because I was over it.. And now I can't remember everything I wrote- my bad!

One thing I did write about was the name of the medical center where my clinic's main office is located. It's called the Princess Medical Center. So fun right?! It always puts a smile on my face when I pull up. I usually only go there if its the weekend or for the actual treatments. I generally go to a closer office to me for monitoring appointments.

My eggs are slowly but surely chugging along. Today they were 13's and 14's mostly. Dr. A is thinking trigger will be Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because that puts transfer probably Monday, meaning Eric can't be there. :(

I decided I'm going to see an acupuncturist that works with our clinic and specializes in fertility. I'm super nervous about it! I'll go in on Wed morning to see him and get one treatment and then he'll come to the clinic the day of the embryo transfer and do it before the transfer and then again right after. We haven't tried it yet and I'm trying to make sure we do all we can this cycle, that way if it doesn't work- we know we really did all we could. I'm excited and nervous! But I've heard good things so I'm up for it.

I counted today I've had 41 shots since last Saturday- holy cow! My shots tonight will put me at 43. No wonder my belly is sooo sore and bruised! All I can say is my kids better freakin love me! ;)